so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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