well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
