He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
