I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
