This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
