oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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