I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
