Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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