your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
