So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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