Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
