We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
