On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
