She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
