It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
