eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
