I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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