How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
