before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
