i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
tell your sister to shave her snatch
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
