So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
