That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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