Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
