thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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