I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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