dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
