forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
