i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
