Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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