you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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