how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
