The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
