I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
