haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
