It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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