I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
