I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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