Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
