Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
