I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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