You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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