so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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