I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Found the puke drawer
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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