I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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