Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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