i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
