So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
