I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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