Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
