Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
